I've wanted to eat manatee. I know the first thing many people think is that manatees are an endangered species, and that I am a monster, and to that I say go fuck yourself. As a thing of nature I do natural things, and naturally, I'm an omnivore. Just because I want to eat an endangered species doesn't mean my desire branches from bad purpose, it simply means that I'm curious. Curiosity could not even begin to describe this almost inexplicable desire. Let's look at this rationally. Why is the manatee endangered in the first place. Sure they are overly friendly and also kind of stupid, but they don't have any natural predators that share their habitat. We have done a pretty good job of destroying the environment in which they dwell, but manatee populations have ample room for growth. So what happened? We ate them.
This is all pretty common knowledge, so before any of you whiny vegetarian pussies let out a condescending "No shit, dumb ass," keep reading until I've made my point. Manatees are FUCKING DELICIOUS! They didn't die off due to environmental competition or predators other than human beings . Manatees are endangered because they are probably the most tasty animal on the planet. Unfortunately they are kind of like pandas if panda bears were fugly and lived in oceans and estuaries. They simply don't reproduce that often. Add in our species inability to use mathematics on a societal and ecological level, and you have the recipe for epicurean failure. Think of all the things we could have eaten, if only our ancestors hadn't eaten them first.
A number of people are curious as to why I would want to eat a manatee. That question can only be called asinine or sarcastic. First of all, manatees are FUCKING DELICIOUS! That is the main reason they've been hunted onto the endangered species list. Secondly, there aren't that many left. Just in case those two reasons aren't enough by themselves here are two more. Blubber is both nutrient rich and tasty, and can be rendered into an oil that has a buttery sweetness to it, and the manatee has plenty of blubber. Also manatee flesh has a flavor that can range from fish to bovine and everything in between, so don't judge me, or do. If you do happen to read this, and are, in fact judging me, then we probably have a similar goal. I simply want to have my cake and eat it, too!
Maybe it's time all you tree hugging hippies and gun toting hillbillies realize that you share common goals and quit worrying about the different philosophical pathways that led you there. Let's start a manatee fertility program, put rubber bumpers on motorboat propellers, and get these gentle creatures back on the path to stability. After all, I would like a good steak, my brother needs something new to shoot at, and I'm sure the kind folks trying to save the manatee could move on to another worthy cause.
